Last week we went on a cruise, and while it was exhausting and refreshing at the same time, I will spare you the details of all the chaos. I do want to delve into how we learn so much about each other on these family trips. Something about being out of our routines, in tight little spaces and new places together, shows us who we all are when the usual structure melts away. I notice how each boy handles a new situation, what makes him brave, and what makes him cling onto us more. What is most interesting is how they notice things about me too, and I am only now realizing how much.

There is still a lot of work in taking care of four boys on ‘vacation’ if you can call it that. I still say it is a ‘trip’ as there is no time for relaxing until we get back (pro tip, always take the day off after so that the kids can go to school and you can relax if possible). I do however get to skip the cooking and the cleaning while traveling, and that is a real gift, while we still have to manage ALL the emotions, the sleep, and the mealtimes. Someone is always hungry, or overtired, or overstimulated by the thousandth new thing, and that someone usually finds comfort in one of us. By the end of the trip I felt hungover, even though I don’t drink alcohol anymore! My body was aching from all the walking, carrying a kid, or lugging around ALL the things (pipe cleaners, books, drawing pads, diapers, wipes) every day. It was the kind of tired that comes from holding everyone’s needs in your head (and heart) all at once, and I would still book it again tomorrow, because of the little things we learn. In fact, we promptly came home and booked our next trip!

While on the trip, if someone made a decision that wasn’t kind or someone started getting frustrated (and the hitting of brothers ensued), the boys knew when I was getting upset with these actions. They can read it on my face before I say a word, and I found out they have a system. They would run straight to their father and turn his hat backwards. They know that makes my heart flutter (IYKYK about husbands with their hats on backwards <3), and they know it works, and they know exactly when to use it. They see me getting upset and they call in their secret weapon, and I melt every single time.

I find it so endearing that they know my quirks, they know what I love and they figured it out on their own. I love how hard they work to make me happy. I spend so much of my life studying these boys, learning their moods and their needs and the signs that a meltdown is coming in order to prophylactically prevent it. It had not occurred to me that they were studying me back. They have been taking notes the whole time, and they use what they learn out of love, and out of a little bit of strategy, and I will happily take both.

I also loved seeing the boys see us having fun. So much of what they see of us is the logistics version: the reminders, the schedules, the “shoes on, please” at 7:45 in the morning. On the ship they saw something different. They saw their parents laughing, and dancing, eating ice cream along with them for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and genuinely enjoying each other and their kids.

My husband and I were dancing at a silent dance party on the cruise, everyone moving to music only they could hear on their headphones, and the boys were watching us. There were some good hits, I love me some Shakira!! My husband and I would dance with each other and then the boys joined in. They interrupted our dancing alone together so they could dance with each of us individually, one at a time, and I did not mind at all. I would not trade a single one of those interruptions. My husband and I would still find our way to each other though! We miss our dancing era in the clubs of New York!

Whenever I would hear a song at a restaurant and start strutting a little, in the past, my eldest used to tell me, “Mama, don’t dance in public, you will get embarrassed.” He said it so sincerely, like he was protecting me from something. (I inquired if that was something he experienced, and we have since shared a lot about it) Interestingly, he has already started to learn that being seen can feel risky, and that grown ups are supposed to be careful and composed. During the silent dance party, he watched me let go. He saw me laughing, and moving, and not caring who was looking, and he started dancing too. I watched the worry leave his face and the joy take over. That was the most heartwarming sight.

That moment stayed with me longer than anything else on the trip. I can tell my boys it is okay to be silly, to take up space, and to enjoy themselves out loud, and they will nod politely, not truly letting it sink in. When they see me do it, they believe it. They feel it. It sinks in. Children learn so much from what we show them, and I want them to see a mother who knows how to have fun. Their father is pure fun already, like their fifth brother. It is something I need to work on more, and this trip solidified that.

I came home tired, body aching, and tummy full, and also carrying more than a few souvenirs. My boys know my quirks and they know how to make me smile, and now they see me having a fun time and letting loose. I am already looking forward to the next time we get to learn something new about each other. Embrace these moments ❤