While making this blog in the last few weeks, I found an essay in my drive that I wrote for myself in 2021. I thought I should include this here to share. It is from a very different time, in the midst of the pandemic, but I think still applies to our world today. Here goes!

#nofilter: 5 ways to view life positively

This last year has been indescribable. You and I have had a very different year, all caused by the very same virus. Now this virus may be labeled as COVID-19, racism, social inequality, or many other names. But at the end of the day, whatever virus has plagued our lives, we are all humans trying to live out each day, trying to survive together on this earth. I found myself affected negatively in many ways this year, although I had a lot to look forward to. I wanted to share how I treated this virus that affected my mental well-being in hopes of uplifting you all who may be affected as well. While we all are drowning in fatigue for many reasons this year, perhaps we can look out the window now and see the world without a filter. The filters on social media have fogged up the true versions of life as we know it. Yes, it is nice to post a beautiful picture of your life to share, but in today’s world of filters, it is important to appreciate life in its true natural color.

For my life, 2020 was a year of highs and lows. We were unable to travel to see family, to share the joy of our newborn with others, and to have our sons play with cousins. Already deep in postpartum depression for a second time, I navigated through the pandemic managing the house, having to put my pediatrics career on hold to care for my newborn son H and toddler son V. It was lonely, yet I had no choice but to manage. I became so busy every day, the wishes I wanted to fulfill were left behind. I would tell my husband how unfulfilled I felt. Being a mother, to me, was not as fulfilling as I had hoped. I love my kids, but in the midst of a pandemic, I wanted to help others! I felt so bad my colleagues were practicing medicine and healing others. I felt bad that I could not help those in need during the hardest time in the world. Instead, I was at home, rocking my newborn to sleep, preparing dinner for my toddler, and managing the daily mundane routine to keep things easy for the kids. But that was my biggest flaw. I needed to give myself more credit. I expected being superwoman was a given, that I had to be the perfect mom and wife because that shouldn’t take any effort at all. Obviously, no one is perfect and a superparent. I needed to remember that. Parenting is a full time job, nursing is a full time job, managing a household is a full time job, just merely living in today’s world is a full time job. Take a step back and appreciate whatever can be tackled in your job for the day. But self appreciation is the biggest quality that I lack, as I am sure others would relate to. And that is why I am writing this. I want to remind us all that at the end of the day, we need to appreciate ourselves, our families, our lives. It could be a lot worse.

One week in January 2021, on a week that Dh and I spent all week fighting about the smallest things, as do most parents of two little littles, just a regular week filled with the most mundane of issues, we had a rude awakening. That week, I had spent the week managing the house while hobbling around hunched over in crippling pain. I simply thought perhaps it was ovulation pain, although I had never gotten it before. My husband and my brother kept telling me to get seen in the ER but I kept putting it aside as if it was nothing. Because it was so ingrained in my mind that I needed to care for my family, I just continued working through that horrible pain. One morning, after dealing with a plumbing issue at home, I told my husband that perhaps he was right, something is wrong. My organs felt so inflamed. I called for an appointment with my OB-Gyn, and planned the visit around my son’s nap. I drove around for a bit to get him to sleep and arrived at the doctor’s office. When I got there, they asked for a routine urine pregnancy test. I had to take my son asleep in the stroller into the bathroom and figure out how to quietly flush after getting the sample without waking him! I waited for the results, knowing it was just a formality, before seeing the doctor. The nurse came back to me with a concerned look, and said “Mrs. Sharma…” Right away my heart dropped. No, it cannot be positive. I just had a heavy period! There is no way. She showed it to me. On the one hand, of course I was happy that my dream for a third child could come true, but I knew, if I was pregnant and there was so much pain that there was something very very wrong. She wanted me to give another sample. So again I took my sleeping baby to the bathroom. Again positive. The nurse rushed me to the room, wheeling my stroller quickly behind me. As the US was completed, the doctor solemnly looked up and just said, “There is a lot of blood. You need to go to the ER.” I started crying, saying that if I have to go to the ER, who would feed my baby? He doesn’t drink from the bottle. How would my kids be okay? My parents haven’t been coming because of COVID, now we have to put them at risk to come help?

Not once did it go through my mind if I was going to be okay. My mind just stopped. Instantly. Mama-bear-mode hit fast. I called my husband, we called my mom. I rushed home. As I nursed my son, since we didn’t know if he would take the bottle while I was gone, Dh packed a quick bag for me with a charger, my glasses, and a picture of Guruji. I quickly took out clothes for my kids for their bedtime routine, rushed around the house, cleaned up a bit before my mom arrived after being away for 3 months. My mom came, I kissed my baby goodbye, not knowing if I would see him again that day, and my husband drove me to the ER. As we drove, I wished I could see my eldest at daycare. We stayed quiet in the car, but as we got closer to the exit, I started asking my husband what he would do if something happened. He obviously didn’t want to talk about hypotheticals, but I knew that it was important and went over my wishes. For all the time I spent in depression over the fact that I couldn’t help others, I realized that my family was so reliant on me. What would they do without me? My husband dropped me off outside of the ER. He refused to leave, but I begged him to go as he wouldn’t be able to enter due to COVID restrictions and because H needed to nap soon and my mom had no idea how to manage his current routine. After that it was just a whirlwind of a few hours. Blood work, repeat US, confirmation of what was happening. I was passing the time talking to my cousin-sister and sister-in-law, just telling them how worried I was about the kids. The nice man who was transporting me watched on the cameras with me as my husband and mom struggled to get the kids ready after bedtime, laughing as they argued about switching socks between the infant and the toddler. Once I got up to the surgery ward, I realized how it was mostly a COVID ward. Surgeries were not being performed as much so the nurses only had myself and one more patient to care for pre-operatively. The surgery went well, and I ended up home that same night, nursing my baby. The recovery period started off with me healing, but mostly me healing mentally. The ‘woe is me’ mode came out, and I was just so negative towards the world. Why did this happen to me?

I think what upset me the most was looking at the pictures my friends posted on social media. The pretty moms who seemed like they were so put together. But what I didn’t realize was that these filters on these pictures were masking the truth. And hey I did the same thing. I also posted picture perfect photos with filters to validate my job as a mother and a wife. There is nothing wrong with making yourself feel good, but I think we should appreciate the natural state. Without a filter. Why hide the pictures of ourselves with milk stains over our shirts, our mom buns all frazzled, in our same leggings that we have worn for 5 days? That is the beautiful picture that needs to be shared!

With gratitude, I start the day I am given by God.

What happened showed me to remember God. Even if you are not religious, having something to motivate you is the best part to navigate through life. Even my son, every morning orders us to go to the puja room before going down stairs. He sees his father standing and whispering prayers, and even he does the same! We never know what he is saying but we know its something sweet. My son has the most innocent outlook. Impressionable.

Even in the thickest of problems, we have to remember to have faith, either in a higher power or in ourselves. We are all going to get through these days, no matter what happens.

Let us make the most of the days that we are given. We are here on earth to breathe in the fresh air and bask in the sun.

With love, I will remind my husband and children they matter.

Because they do matter. They are the only ones that matter. The innocent smile on their faces when they see you in the morning is the most purest love. And that is how we should show everyone who matters. We are all humans, we are all here together. We should love each other. I want my sons to grow up in a world where they know the meaning of camaraderie. I want my sons to love you all and treat you respectfully and kindly. I know the systems in the world are unfortunately flawed, but as a mother and a wife, I can help by making my men do right in the world. I want for my boys to always wake up in the morning with a smile on their face.

With connection, I will remain close to family despite distances.

This pandemic showed us one thing; that it was distance that brought us closer to safety, yet it was distance that also reminded us that we really need others in our lives. Make it a point that we should all talk to others. And I think we should use letters, not just social media. Yes social media is great in that it brings us closer to each other, but let’s write letters, call and yes even face time. And once this is better, cherish the times that we can vacation

With strength, I will heal the world to good health.

Every person can nurture the world to good health, mental and physical. It does not necessarily have to be a physician, nurse, healthcare worker. The heroes of the pandemic have been in many different capes and superhero suits. Every day we encounter such heroes. That day in the ER, I learned that it was every person I interacted with that mustered up the courage to bring me back to health. And that is what we must remember. That every person we encounter daily is giving us a piece of themselves.

With purpose, our creation for this world will leave a smile on a child’s face.

We need to have purpose in our life. As my husbands grand mother says, who is my best friend, “good deeds are your best friends.” Doing good for the world, seeing the good that you do for others, will bring your purpose to a fruit.

Overall, let us be happy with the life that we have. Why should we want to see life through a filter? Let us see life for how we are given. Its the life that we are given that we should feel blessed.

I learned from this one experience that the negativity in our life is short lived if you can push it aside and embrace the positivity.

This is not about religion, culture, race. It is about human life. A life we all have been given and a life that can be taken in a minute. So yes, we all have ups and downs in life but we need to ride out each low in life as we ride into the high coming right after.