So you have a new baby in your hands, and you are expected to now take care of a little human being also while healing and taking care of yourself. When your baby is born, so are you-in your new role as a parent. The term “Matrescence” has been coined to describe a woman going through a transition physically, involving her body and hormones, and emotionally, involving her mind and social norms, from a woman to mother. The surge in hormones during pregnancy drop dramatically after delivery and it can really take a toll on the body. Please give yourself some grace and allow yourself to feel EVERYTHING. One thing I think about all the time is how I regret in the aftermath of delivery, we are expected to feel only joy and happiness. Yes of course, gratitude is important, but the feelings of loneliness, sadness, and any feeling that comes up can be just as vital to explore. I recognize after my first baby I had postpartum depression, but because I was surrounded by loved ones, I had to put on a happy face. Dh was my rock at this time, and I am forever indebted to him. He took me on walks, he tried to talk to me, he helped me physically heal and all the while, he became a new parent as well. I can’t imagine how scary it was for him to see me going through that, especially as a physician where he has seen worse.

Remember though that whatever you are feeling, you are not failing in parenthood if you are feeling those emotions. This new journey is so raw, and so taboo to talk about. Most people generally are happy to see the baby and concerned about who will take care of the baby, but the mother is also born on the day the baby is born. So all the nurturing that is given to the baby should also be given to the mother. It is so hard in North America, where the culture of maternity leave is that of a woman taking a 6 week vacation. There is nothing relaxing about a leave where you give birth to a human, have to take care of your body and soul, all the while also taking care of a tiny baby who just needs to survive on your love and cuddles. In India and most of Asia, a mother is sequestered in her room for 40 days to allow her to heal. Someone massages her and the baby, feeds her nourishing foods and allows her to rest. It is beautiful but unfortunately, it is not really played out that way here in the US.

Another issue with the postpartum transition is the feeling of guilt. As a newly born mother, because remember along with the baby you are born as well, the mom guilt is so real. It was so especially hard to not feel bad that my decisions were incorrect when we were told by others that the decisions were incorrect. I regret the most about not feeling confident in our parenting choices. Be your own cheerleader and that of your partner. I have learned through research and therapy that in the South Asian culture, guilt is their ‘love language’. Essentially, everyone tries to make you feel guilty of what you do or who you are. Add that on to the mom guilt postpartum, it exponentially makes things worse. Do not feel guilty for what you feed your baby, do not feel guilty for how you take care of your baby, do not feel guilty for how you take care of yourself. You are trying YOUR best, and that is all that you need. I still don’t have that confidence in myself, and that is something I need to work on. But I would ask that you don’t allow yourself to feel guilty, allow yourself to feel that whatever choices you make for you and your baby are the best choices for your family.

I will also add that breastfeeding was not easy in this postpartum cloud. Breastfeeding is probably harder than labor and delivery, it really takes a good 6 weeks to become easier. One of my cousins recommended that I rub a hard towel on my nipples before having the baby in order to prep for the baby! Your nipples will forever not be yours anymore, good luck to you! It was hard, but it becomes harder when you have to also deal with the guilt. Am I making enough, am I causing harm by what I eat, am I making things worse? These questions are all normal. Please remember to work with your doctor to make sure the baby is thriving, and always remember ‘fed is best’ for the baby and the mom. Any feeding journey that you decide on is the right one for you and the right one for your baby. Whatever and however you feed the baby, is the best thing for your family. And nothing spicy that you eat goes in your breast milk, so you are not causing harm (or gas) to the baby! These are all discussions you should be having with your pediatrician! Milk is not made from the junk food that you may consume in your stomach, but the ducts in your mammary glands produce milk from the nutrients in your blood!

For myself, now that I am almost two years out of the last delivery, I find myself having so many regrets during each postpartum time. I remember cuddling with each baby, trying to soothe them and make them comfortable, but at the same time feeling so trapped. Sometimes I mourn that I did not enjoy the baby time as much as I ‘should’ have. Feeling so trapped that I had to sit on the couch at that exact moment to care for my baby while the whole world continued on about their normal day. Feeling like I was a failure as a mother because I even had those feelings. Feeling resentment towards Dh that he wasn’t continuously bleeding for 6 weeks, yet he would get praise for taking off 2 weeks to take care of the baby. Both parents are equal in this journey but the balance is just so dramatically shifted towards once side, that it is so normal to feel this resentment.

But remember, what you are feeling is valid. You are allowed to feel everything, and it is okay to not feel happy every second of every day. You are not failing, you are a new person so just like you are loving the baby you gave birth to, please remember to love the mother that you gave birth to. I am writing this to give myself the permission to release the regrets of that time, and to give you permission to release the regrets as well.

Please remember to consult your OB as well. I spoke to my OB after my fourth delivery, after about three weeks, and she helped me remember how this journey involves healing that takes time. Please trust your medical team and allow them to help you care for yourself and your baby. She offered me different treatments, and although I did not start any at that time, one year later I did start therapy which has greatly impacted me and my parenting. I am going to discuss next how parenting has taught me to also parent my inner child.